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jend

biblical advice on verbal abuse stay or go.

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I've been married 5 years. From the begining my husband would make comments on how i could better myself. The same things i did wrong 5 years ago i still do wrong. I feel i have made a good effort in trying to change bad habits, running the water too much, taking to hot of a shower, using the dryer to much,not cleaning up after supper soon enough, on and on and. The weird thing is that i thouhgt i was wasteful and everthing was my fault. I would tell him i was sorry and that i would work on it. There would always be something new i would be doing wrong. Until i become a christian and started realizing that marriage isn't suppose to be so hurtful. Thats it's suppose to more like friends. He keeps telling me he needs to be in charege of all things and i have to submit. I feel things aren't going to get better, i have been praying and have reached out for help. We will be starting couseling with our pastor, but I'm worried that my husband won't be honest. I'm so sad that our marriage has come to this. If i didn't have god with me, :( i would lose my mind. Please Pray for me,i want to move past this difficult time in my life. We have three beautiful children. :(:(

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Is your husband a Christian? It sounds like he is from what you said about him using the "submit to him" thing. I agree that it is good to submit to your husband, but the rest of the verse is, "as unto Lord". If your husband is not operating under Gods principles in all areas of his life, then I do not believe that a wife should submit until he is in line with the Word of God. Immediately after that verse the Bible tells the husband to "love his wife as Christ loves the church and gave Himself for it." That is an undescribable love that does not continuously look for petty things to complain about. If your husband is, in fact, a Christian, and if you haven't already, perhaps you could point this out to him. God wants you to be happy in all things. In addition, even though you are unhappy and looking for answers, the Bible also says that Gods will is to give thanks in everything. I'll be praying for you. God bless.

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Reply to Loving Tucker

 

My husband claims he's a christian, but thinks i'm getting carried away in my beliefs.We stayed home from church today because he wanted to bring my daughters swimming.

I'm so scared, i feel like i'm choosing between my husband &god.

 

Thanks so much for the reply

Loving Tucker

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Your husband may, in fact, be a Christian. However, getting "carried away" in your beliefs isn't possible if you are believing the Bible as your truth. God's Word tells us to "seek first the kingdom of God". In other words, put His Word first in everything. If that's what he calls "getting carried away", then by golly, get carried away! Have you explained this to him?

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LovingTucker, actually, I believe that we must do our part and submit even if our husbands arnt' doing their part... we stand alone before the Lord, Just look at Sara, she lied in order to obey her husband and God honored HER and saved her from disgrace... her husband was not telling her to do something that was honering to God... I believe that we must do our part, and if they do thier part or not, that's between them and the Lord. In IPeter 3:1 it says "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives"

Jend, trust in the Lord, he can bring beauty from ashes! Remeber to meditate on His word and not on the negitive ones from your husband. What God says about you is always true, and good, He loves you with an everlasting love!

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I can relate - maybe we can help each other

 

jend - the situation you are in sounds a lot like the situation I am in. Perhaps we can provide support to one another. MY husband says and does the same types of things you have described. The only difference for me is that I never felt like I was doing things wrong. From your description it definitely sounds like emotional abuse, which is what I am going through as well. I have tried talking to people about it but because it's difficult to really pin down emotional abuse most people don't understand what is really happening. Submission is a choice - it should come from both husband and wife but we cannot depend on our husband's choice to make the right choice for ourselves. Determine the level of danger you are in daily and get your strength for the Lord because you can't get it anywhere else. Ask God what he would have you do - is it his will for you to stay or leave? All the answers are in the book. Unless others point you in that direction they are only giving you their opinions. And remember we can't see the end from the beginning. USually when we are going through a tribulation, God is about to do something great. If you want to keep in touch I would love to have someone who could relate to this situation as well. Let me know.

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I don't think the answer is stay and go - but to have this pattern change.

 

You can have his abuse stop if you set personal boundaries. When he seeks to control you by his demands, you can either rebuke his words or take them on yourself- which makes you a victim.

 

To rebuke means: the act of testing or verifying; to stop a forward attack from progressing.

 

In this way, you need to stop and think about what he is meaning in his communication and see if it is a truth God wants you hear? Is there any truth in it or is it an attack? Test his words. Stop abusive or controlling ones. Not by fighing about it, but by not accepting them. Throw them off. When you hear them don't take them in, but pray for God's intervention.

 

I don't think the things you've listed are bad habits. I think it is normal behaviour and it is who you are and how you are wired. For him to slap you verbally for being you is for him to not accept who you are. A marriage is supposed to be a place where two people provide the best environment possibly for each other to grow and blossom. When God said it wasn't good for man to be alone, he meant he needed a wife to make the environment even better, not a battleground.

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Hi i'm also going through the same things that you are he always points out the negative and very seldom says thank you i've been praying. Slowly things started to change you just have to have faith. If you need someone to talk to i'm here for you.

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Hi Jend, I don't know were to start but to say that i know how you feel and i'm praying that the Lord will give you wisdom on wheter to seperate from your husband until he gets his act together or not. That is something that the Lord will place in your heart as you pray for His will to be done in your life. I grew up in a home were my dad was verbally abusive towards me and my mom so i know how it is to feel like you are not enough in meeting someones standards. The Lord is so good though because now my father is a believer ( So it is possible for someone with that background to come to the Lord). I know that the Lord is capable of doing a great work in your life, your husbands life, and marriage. With Him all things are possible and He makes all things new. God didn't make marriage to be hurtful just like he didn't intend for the world to be corrupt as it is today. That is not His doing at all but our own. He doesn't want you to hurt. He loves you so much that He died for you so that you can spend eternity with Him. And the same holds true for your husband. I do believe that if you have faith and work things out with your husband you will have a great testimony at the end! The Lord is so good and faithful! Remember to suffer is to be like Christ. The narrow path isn't any easy and the Lord didn't promise us that it was going to be for He said that "In the world you will have tribulation" (John 16:33) but he also did say that he would bring us out of it "but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." No, He did not promise life to be pain free but, he did promise to be there and see us through it all. I know that it's not easy. Believe me, all that i'm saying is what i've learned throughout 2 years of being married to my husband. No he wasn't verbally abusing me but he was a porn addict. His unfaithfulness was so piercing. But the Lord ministered to me so much! He taught me how to depend on Him fully. And He showed me that marriage wasn't about me but that i was made for my husband. To be his helper, his gift from God. He also showed me that we are all in need of a savior. Their were so many times i didn't want to do anything for my husband but, i did them anyway because i'm called to do all things unto the Lord. Whenever i saw my husband i pictured my Jesus dying on the cross for me (that helped me out alot because i knew i was suppose to forgive like i was forgiven). Of course, with alot of prayer and direction from the Lord i did speak up. I did tell my husband that he needed to make a choice. We went to counseling, i went to counseling and i can say that the Lord is doing a great work. Now my husband has gone 10 months porn free. Although it has tooken me alot of prayer and the Lord's strength to forgive and encourage my husband and to not focus on my hurt but on how i can edify him. Because that is why the Lord brought me to my husband and vice versa. So all i can tell you is to pray. Pray for the discernment and wisdom and the Lord will give it to you.

 

God bless you!!!

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This is a widespread problem, and perhaps the reason many of us are here is becuase we need someone else to lean on and talk about it. Been there, done that, came through it, but still find difficulties in everyday life with my new husband of nearly 5 years quite troublesome at times. I think the root of the issue is that we give them control; believing we actually DO deserve to be chastised, believing we are indeed not good enough to have an equal partnership. Being told we aren't smart enough, not good enough, not anything without them... or even just constant criticism...

 

Everyone fails, everyone falls, us and our husbands. We need to learn where to draw the line between what is acceptable and "earned" critical behavior, and what is not. The line between constructive criticism and abuse can sometimes be very thin. But in any event, the more you say, "yeah, you're right... I really am/do (whatever.. fill in the blank)", the more the pattern continues.

 

Only God can right a lot of these wrongs. Counseling definitely sounds in order! Would he be up for that; or is he still convinced that the only problem is with you, and that YOU are the only one who needs to change?

 

Anyone reading this who needs some support, please feel free to email me directly any time. lromney@hotmail.com.

 

Take Care & God Bless,

Lorelli

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Whether or not a husband is a believer is really aside from the biblical responsibility of us wives to be our husband's helper. By doing this, we glorify God. If our husband is not saved, scripture tells us that he may be won without a word by our chaste and respectful behavior. We are also told that we are to obey OUR husband, not someone else's, and certainly not other women, afterall, it was Eve that was decieved. Scripture also talks about being treated wrongfully reminding us to submit to authority even if they are unreasonable. We are told to seek God first and by glorifying our husband (lifting him up, helping him, praying for him, etc.) then we are glorifying God!

 

Are you praying for him daily? If do not, who will? Are you seeking wisdom? Ask God! Are you reading God's Word daily to find out what the Guidebook says or to get your armour on for the day? ;)

 

I know a good attitude can be difficult at times, but I would encourage you to be praying and seeking God throughout your day. Ask Him to keep your focus on Himself so that your attitude is right.

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