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mamapyratekk

How would you bring this up?

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Hey ladies, I'm in need of a little advice again. You are always so honest and caring so I decided to ask about this here.

 

In the first post I ever made on this site I mentioned my problem with lying. I did it without even thinking about it! Let me say that I'm very happy to say that I have done much better with this and I'm so proud of myself for that. I also have gotten to that point where I really dislike feeling as if I'm being lied to...I mean, it really hurts my soul (if that makes any sense...). Anyways, so here is what happened today...

 

My mom called me. She said that she needed me to do her a favor. I told her that as long as it was something I could do, I would. In the past she's done everything from ask me for money in sums of up to $350 (which I only saw $25 of) to asking me to call to get her out of work for the day. Up until now I've done it without really batting an eyelash, but she also hasn't asked for much since I've become more religious and have had moral objections to some of the things she asked me to do. Anyways, so she tells me how last week she lied to her boss (saying my uncle was in the hospital) to get out of work. Then said that she needed today off from her job so that she could go to a therapy appointment. That's when she asked me for the favor. She asked me to call her work and tell her boss that it was her daughter and that she needed to call me ASAP that it was about her brother. She also told me to just mention that I couldn't seem to get her on her house phone.

I felt my heart just aching and I knew that I shouldn't do it. But I have this horrible time saying no, especially to her. So I called, the whole time my stomach was churning and I absolutely felt like throwing up. Worst part? Her boss that answered wasn't the everyday boss, but the person who just supervises here and there...

...a preacher's wife. :eek:

 

After that she called me around 11, trying to 'keep up the appearance'. Her behavior absolutely shocked, scared, and worried me. She was able to make herself cry and say things like, "Is he going to be okay?" without any remorse whatsoever. I didn't even respond to her, I just said "I'm eating a muffin and drinking hot chocolate, and I need to go." It just...freaked me out...that she was able to not only lie to her boss, but even fake cry to do it.

 

After that I just had to ask for forgiveness. I put my son in the pack-and-play for a minute and went up to my room with my bible. I read some, and asked to be forgiven for the thing I had just done. I sat there just bawling my eyes out, and just feeling so...well, just bad. Thank the Lord that He is so great and forgave me for what I did today, without knowing I had His forgiveness I'm sure I would have been a wreck all day long. After praying, I felt God calling me into action. I just know that He wants me to help with helping my mother. To help her stop lying, and hopefully bring her closer to Him.

 

I spoke to my husband about this when he got home today, and he said that next time she asks (which is inevitable) that I should just say no. I explained to him that for me, it's just so hard to say no to her or ANYONE for that matter. He said that I just have to put my foot down about it. And I know that I do, but it's just not that easy for me...

 

I've been in her shoes. I know that once you've lied for so long about so many things that you just do it without thinking about it. I KNOW how hard it is to stop, even with the right motivation. I think that being able to empathize with her is ultimately what will help ME help HER.

But here it is...how on Earth do I bring this up to her without making her angry at me (or rather, making her hate me)? She doesn't take criticism easily at all, and I know that even with the most well intentioned conversation...I will make her very VERY angry. I've already asked God for the strength to talk to her and for His blessing on the situation so that it will go smoothly. But I just know my mother well...

...how can I even BEGIN to go about this?

 

Thanks so much ladies, any advice or prayers will be warmly accepted

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It is never right to lie.

 

Lord we all fall short of the glory in God's site.

Lord thank you that Jesus came to save, deliver and set free.

Lord help us to walk in your will and ways.

Lord clean up in us that which is not of you

In Jesus name we pray and ask it all in Jesus name. Amen

 

Now, I would say mother, I am struggling with lying and we both can help each other by pointing out our short coming and standing on these principles set forth by the Lord Jesus Christ. Will you do me a favor and help me and I will help you. So let start here with these words written in the Holy Bible, the true word of God.

 

It is never right to lie. The ninth commandment prohibits bearing false witness (Exodus 20:16). Proverbs 6:16-19 lists “a lying tongue” and “a false witness who pours out lies” as two of the seven abominations to the Lord.

 

Biblical? Yes. Proverbs 6:16-19 declares: There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him:

(1) Haughty eyes,

(2) A lying tongue,

(3) Hands that shed innocent blood,

(4) A heart that devises wicked schemes,

(5) Feet that are quick to rush into evil,

(6) A false witness who pours out lies, and

(7) A man who stirs up dissension among brothers.

1 Corinthians 13:6
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

 

Psalms 119:29
Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious to me through your law.

 

Proverbs 12:22
The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful

 

Ephesians 4:25
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

 

Colossians 3:9
Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices

I pray that the Lord move in your life, your mom and all of us who struggle with the works of the flesh.

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Just remember that your mom doesn't know any differently. Treat it the way you would a friend asking you to do the same thing. You have to do what's right because you know what's better. Even though at the time your mom might get mad at you, in the long run she'll respect you and know that you've made a right choice. In the meantime, be praying for her. I prayed for seven years before my younger sister came to know the Lord, then my other sister shortly thereafter and then my mom. My mom still struggles at time (doesn't really have freedom and victory in Christ). Stay in the Word, pray and God will give you wisdom and guidance!

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At this point you might have already talked to her - but just in case:

 

I think the empathy you mentioned is just where you need to be. Don't wait for her to ask you to lie... then she'll likely be distracted by how she's going to pull-off whatever it is she's asking you about... but arrange a good time to talk to her and just share your own experience. Tell her about the pain and chaos that lying has caused in your own life and then tell her about how much better things are now. Let her know that it was drawing close to God that opened your eyes to how destructive it really was... but that in drawing closer to Him, He really gave you the desire and the motivation to try to stop. Let her know about how you're still not perfect but that you have a new peace in being forgiven when you do fail. Even if she seems so proficient at lying, I'm sure there is a part of her that is being eaten away and she feels it. Just pray about the words you would have liked to have heard from someone caring when you were still in her shoes.

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Thanks for all the advice everyone. I still haven't talked to her, I am TERRIFIED! I know I absolutely have to do it soon though, because I'm to the point of not believing a word she says. Every time she calls and says rude things about her husband or tells me a story I think sounds a little 'off', I have to write down what she says so that I can call my step-father (who I absolutely adore BTW!) and verify the information with him. He knows she lies, but just like me he's scared to call her out on it. Thankfully I know I can always count on him for accurate information, he's never lied to me before.

 

Anyways, that turned into a little bit of a vent...sorry about that.

 

I have one question: Do you all think this is something I need to do face-to-face, or could I get by doing it on the phone or even writing her a letter about it first? I ask because I'm horrible at face-to-face things, but I'm really good at saying things in letter form. But I wonder if that might be too informal for what I need to bring up...

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bless His Holy name.

 

mamapyratekk,

 

I think you know what you should do. God is speaking to your heart.

Move on it and you won't go wrong.

 

Any one of us could tell you what to do, but it may not be what God wants from you. Only you know. Listen, listen to him speak to you and follow on your belief put into action. Faith.

 

God does not give a spirit of fear, but of love and a sound mind.

Draw from that strength is with in you and bless His Holy name.

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abc is right in that God will direct what is right for you, your mom, and His Spirit in your "talk".

 

As you are seeking His direction, a possible idea to consider is writing down what you want to say and then reading it to your mom. In the past I've done that to make sure I stay focused on what needs to be said instead of immediately jumping to an emotional state. The other person might be more inclined to "hear you out" too because they might feel like they ought to let you finish reading before they respond.

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I think it's ok to not do it face to face if you're too nervous. It might also be better that way because then it gives her less chance to be defensive. Maybe it would be best to write her a letter or an email. If she is not religious like you are, don't focus on religion or act "preachy"- just tell her you think what she's doing is wrong on many levels, it disturbs you that she is so comfortable in elaborate lies, and that you don't want to be a part of it because it makes you feel like a terrible person, etc. If you want to write it down, do it. I think the written word can be better than talking to people about things much of the time. Gives everyone time to process and reflect. And it sounds like what your mom needs is some self-reflection

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