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DiamondRing

Do you think I should move home and seperate from my husband?

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My husband told me last night the last time I went home for a visit (back in February) he viewed porn on the web. I had suspected as much, I could tell things were differant than things had been between us. And he seemed hypersensitive about me using his laptop. I found some previous searches a few weeks ago, all of them older teens, but he had denied looking at anything like this before last night when he suddenly confessed, though not in any kind of repentance or tears, more like in accusation, he said he was not free to struggle with temptations like other people are free to do with me, this does not even make any sense to me. Did Christ die to set us free to struggle with our temptations, I thought he made the way out of temptations. I thought he died so we no longer had sin be our master, but were now free from the struggle with sin we had been in under the law, now as we live in Him.

Any way his temptation struggles with pictures and sex acts of 17 and 18 year olds is of the most concern for me. I could handle normal adult porn otherwise, all men tend to have a weakness to sin esspecially in this area of lust, and I am not naive to believe otherwise. I think I could have handled an affair among him and a grown woman much better than this teen stuff. After all been there done that got the I survived an affair and divorce t-shirt already with my first husband.

But I have a 12 year old daughter and am about to have another daughter. How do I trust him with the girls, even her friends? Is he a danger to her and her girl friends as she grows older. I am trying not to overeact, but I had a stepfather who lusted after me when I grew to be around 16 until 18 when I left home and he never saw me again, he left my mom for a 19 year old shortly after I moved out. He never did anything but I coould feel his eyes undressing me.

My daughter went from wearing dresses and skirts to dressing like a boy, she does not even wear short shorts. I keep asking her if he ever tried anything on her and she says no, she insists he never has, she tells me to stay with him. I do not know what to do, but I am trying to remain calm,I am 33 weeks along and I will not let this stress get me so unsettled I bring on early labor.

I have been through divorce once, I know I will survive, I know I can live alone, I know I can raise these kids up fine by myself, I nearly do now as he works almost all the time, and I would be lieing if I said I do not want any excuse to get off this west coast and be back home in Amish Country again where everything feels pure and wholesome and safe.

But I have a son to this man, and I am about to have another daughter, though I could protect my daughter since he has no rights, I could never be with my other two kids to protect them, and you know the law at this pioint being it is only porn to the liberal judges will give him partial custudy and visitation rights, and he has the money to pursue them, I will have no money without him, it will be hard to find employment in this economy, I know I have no family to live with, I believed God in marrying this man, I truly thought it had been God's will, now I am not sure anymore what to think, but I know this, my family will not let us live with them, I would need enough saved up to leave smartly if I do leave and have enough to secure a home and food for us to last several weeks. I also know if this is not the will of God He will not provide the supply for me, and if it is His will, He will provide the supply. I just would like a little advice and maybe if you would not mind a little prayer, thanks.

Edited by DiamondRing

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I am sorry your are going through this. Based on what you have said it would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn't handle that esp having a 15 yr old daughter. My daughter is almost 16 and yea I would throw him out of the house

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I'm so sorry you're going through this :(

 

Since you asked my opinion, this is it what I would do.

 

Would get counseling IMMEDIATELY. Find a good reputable Christian counselor. Go to a counselor that only advocates divorce in times of abuse and adultery combined with abandonment.

 

Take it as a positive sign that he confessed this horrible sin to you, but sign up IMMEDIATELY for X3WATCH (google it) where you will be notified (and any other accountably partners) anytime he visits a questionable site.

 

Make a contract with him that it if it ever happens again you will seperate, not necessarily divorce, but will separate.

 

I think it is possible that he did not know they were 17. Now if they were 10 that's a whole 'nother ballgame. But while 17 is still child pornongraphy I think he may have thought it was adult porn. Both are horrible terrible sins, but both have sadly impacted the marriages of many many many Christian families. Some wives have forgiven and they have gone on to heal their marriages and have happy and healthy marriages eventually after alot of work and counseling.

 

There is also a section to discuss this on the marriagebed.com

 

(((HUGS)))

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I am so sorry you are going through this especially being pregnant, like you said, you don't need the added stress. A friend of mine is also going through something similar.I know you said he was looking at girls who were 17 and 18 and these days those girls are made to look older than that, I guess I see a difference between a girl who is legal or very close and a girl who is 14, 15, 10, etc. I'm sure I'll get slammed on that, but now a days I have trouble telling a 16 year old from a 20 year old, and it's sad that young girls and trying to look prevocative, and I could see a man having a hard time distinguishing between the two, but it's different than if they purposely go after that age, in that case, I'd be very concerned. Do you know if it was a conscious decision to look at that age group, or just a fluke?

My friend's husband doesn't think it's a big deal and he thinks all men do it, and well he has other issues such a masturbating in public and he thinks that's normal as well. I called Focus on the Family in her behalf and got some titles on books that deal with pornography and they are available to talk too. Not sure if you'd be interested in that or not.

The other thing that concerned me was his response that "he said he was not free to struggle with temptations like other people are free to do with me" That sounds like he is blaming you for his actions to me, and it doesn't make any sense to me either. My friends husband tries to blame her too, he says he does the masturbating in public thing because he like s to think about other women and he can't do that at home because she would be trying to control his thoughts.....no sense in that either. I think until he can admit that this is a problem and that it's his problem and not yours, you're going to get more responses like this. He probably said that as a defense because he feels guilty.

I'd try to get into counseling if I were you, it may be that your feeling to cut and run is because you want to be back home, then again, if he was looking for underage girls on purpose, well that's another issue. Good luck to you, we will be praying for you.

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OMG, Diamond Ring. I am so sorry to hear about the situation that you are in. Before I say anything just let me say this. You know me a little from having been on here a while; also being sisters in Christ plus being from the same area. We do miss you here in Amish country! You know though that this is my 2 cents; strictly opinion; no professional input.

 

In my opinion, if you are not in danger then stay with him. God puts people together for a reason. Maybe that reason is that he really needs you right now. He recognizes that this is a sinful temptation; you said he said that. If he feels that he couldn't be honest with you earlier maybe it is because he feels that you are judging him. Please don't do this; I know that it is a human tendency, but it is God's job.

 

If you leave your husband now he will know that you are judgmental and that is not a good thing. You are a child of God and you know that, as a wife, your place is to be in support of your husband. You should strive to be a Proverbs woman and running away is not the way to do that.

 

I have battled a lot of demons over the years with my husband and at times I even wondered to myself if I was doing the right thing staying with him...now after almost 40 years I know that it definitely was the right thing to do. We have not battled any of those demons for years and I attribute that to the fact that we pray together. I also pray for him. And I pray for my children. It seems sometimes as though I am praying constantly, but that is what the Bible tells us to do anyway. Pray without ceasing.

 

Why would it be more acceptable in your mind if it was older women? A sin is a sin. There are no degrees. It's black or white...no gray areas. That would be like being a little pregnant? What's that about?

 

Your children and your husband need you more than ever right now to be strong. Trust in the Lord and pray to Him. He will watch over you and your daughter. I know that your daughter is an enormous issue for you, but try not to let it be. God is watching over her. Do you really trust God or do you just say you trust God when things are okay and it's the right time for you?

 

I will also be praying for you and your family and your husband!!!!!!

Hang in there if you can, Diamond Ring. Have you ever heard how some people give up just before the miracle? Is that what you'd be doing by leaving your husband?

 

Maybe leaving your husband is a big question because you dislike it where you are so much. Forget about that for a while. Remember grow where you are planted. That's what God wants.

 

Pray together and you'll stay together. Again, like I said, that's just my 2 cents.

 

Take care! Love in Christ!

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I've been thinking about this some more...

 

Another thing I would do is try to remember the vows I made before God. I would think of this as one of the "bad times" as is "In good times and bad" and that I needed to stick with him through this trial, I would PRAy PRAY PRAY PRAY I would probably set my alarm to go off every hour or 30 minutes and when it went off I would pray that our marriage would work out, and that he would get help for this horrible sin.(Obviously if you are working you mgiht not be able to do this, but PRAY ALOT) Read "Power of a Praying Wife"

 

I would try to find a counselor that specializes in pornography addictions but it must be a a Christian counselor and I would only go to someone who would truly try to help the marriage stay together.

 

If my husband did not agree to the X3Watch software, I would separate temporarily and consult with a counselor and minister before making further decisions.

 

Also, I would make sure that stuff was completely off the colmputer = reformat it completely if necessary.

 

Also, this might be a good time to wathc the movie "Fireproof" together.

 

That is my advice (((((((((HUGS))))))))

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Thank you all so much. I know God has heard all your prayers and is with me, helping me get through the shock. Before I came back to check for any reponses I had sat a lot today before The Lord praying and reading His Word.

He said he went to some differant websites and did not intentionally go searching out for young girls, and the website I found listed waa for barely legal girls so I guess over 18 but not by much. It bothered me b/c I do not want my daughter in any danger like I was growing up, but she insists that he has never done anything to her and says I should pray b/c it is the devil trying to hurt me through him, and I have to say she is usually wise beyond her years about these things. Her advice was to pray too.

Anyway, I was not sure if I should believe him though b/c he also tols me when I had originally found them just listed on previous searches that he had not looked at any of that stuff at all, and here I had even back then wondered abut if my daughter had been, but it did not seem to fit inline with her character, she even looks away at kissing on tv.

Anyway I erased all the previous searches myself and jokingly told him next time make sure you erase all that crap so she does not see it. Anyway he comes home yesterday saying he wants marriage counseling and I was shocked, I was like what is wrong thought everything was fine and he starts to list the reasons why, this being one of them.

Problem is I do not want to go through this again, I have lived all this before, I grew up in counseling for my alcoholic stepdad and my codependant mom, I spent years in counseling after my husband left, I am so tired of being sucked into sitting around talking about problems, when I know the solution is just to believe God, pray and obey His commands to love Him and love others.

Anyway, I have worked through with God that I can remain here and we are safe, this was most important to me, to keep my daughter safe from anything perverted. But right now I do not know if he is even coming home tonight, he left early for work, he did say one word to me, last night after he told me, all I said was so you lied to me, he said yes then his comment about not being free to struggle with temptations and I said nothing, he went to bed then. Anyway he usually kisses me and says goodbye in the morning and he didn't and it is after 8 and he is still not home so I am beginning to wonder if he coming home at all. He seems to like to create fear in me, he messes up then leaves then I get scared and end up being the one groveling for him to come back and forgive me, then we make up and life goes on,but he has not done this in a very long time and I thought it was a thing of the past now.

Anyway I thank you for your prayers and comments of concern and for now anyway I am staying, b/c what can I do but what The Lord wants, and I am His, I just need to resist the fear and anxiety if he does not come home tonight and not go chasing after him again, that does nothing but enable him and humilate me and would upset the kids anyway, so if he thiks he can do what he did when we were dating, he needs to rethink.

Edited by DiamondRing

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I don't advocate divorce. she may not be in any physical danger but what about emotional and mental abuse. What he is doing is mentally and emotionaly abusive to you. It is triggering to you and bringing up all sorts of feelings of previous things. It wears at your self esteem and confindence. He can sign all the contracts not ot do it again that he wants but unless he truly realizes he has a problems and gets help those signed contracts mean nothing.

 

I'm not trying to promote divorce here. It's not about being a proverbs wife it's about standing up for your self and kids. It isn't your responsibility to make sure he gets help. If you seek out counseling do it for you you can't change him only he can change himself. Yes you can pray for him but until he realizes it's a serious issue with you it doesn't matter. He isnt respecting you or your kids or family.

 

As for not realizing they were 17 they could be believable. what message are you sending to your daughter when you stand behind a man that disrespects and lust over young women or any other women for that matter. I realize I am taking the other side of the other opinions but be real here. Until HE realizes HE needs help and then seeks it out it will continue.

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I agree with heathbar that until he realizes that he needs help no one can help him. He has to want the help for it to do any good.

 

Maybe some people don't really believe in the power of prayer. I do and I know, first hand, that it is an amazing tool which we do not use enough in this world. We'd be a lot better off if people were praying more and acting less.

 

Yes you do need to make him realize that this is a serious issue to you. Don't be an enabler anymore. Tell him things have got to change and they are going to start with you. Don't chase after him. Maybe he is lying because he is afraid of you and what you will think of him. Remember that you are not a prosecutor ready to charge him with blame for everything. Let him feel your concern and love not your wrath and disappointment.

 

Only you know your situation. You cannot remain there if your situation puts you or your daughter in harm's way, but separate if that's the case. I would never advocate divorce.

 

You also have to take into consideration your daughter's feelings. Maybe you would be harming her more by leaving. She does sound wise beyond her years so I think you should listen to what she is saying.

 

Now here is what I think about abandoning your dh because he has sinned. What's that about? We have all sinned; read Romans 3:23. Did Christ abandon us because we were sinners?

 

It sounds like your dh is asking for help. The fact that he suggested counseling is a good sign.

 

Praying for you and yours, Diamond Ring!

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I thank you again for all your prayers, I am so grateful.

The Lord has helped me realize he does not want to have sex with teens, he just misses being a teen himself. This happened right after I found out I was pregnant with the third, he has opened up a bit tonight (he is walking dog right now) about how he feels he is not doing good at work and he is feeling tired and worn out all the time. He spoke of how he misses having energy like when he young and played football in high school, (he is nearly 40 now). I told him he should go to the pastor for counseling but without me, I told him I would go when and if pastor wanted me to, but that he needs to work these things out with a man, not me, and he agreed. A man will be more help to him than I can be with these issues. I am trying to keep it light, he is still very heavy laden in spirit, not remorseful but I am taking your advice and not being accusatory. I talked to him for a few minutes about the music of the 80's, we talked about David Lee Roth and an old video he had on MTV. I know it was God directing me in conversation b.c honestly these days are not missed by me at all (or the music), but he lightened a little at the memory.

I am releaved on the Revelation though, and I truly do have all yoour prayers to thank, otherwise I may have been on the first plane home to PA today.

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I am gratful for that revalation,wa shall keep you in prayers and I konw God will make way, let his (God) will be done. Its hard but please pray much for your husband!!

Love u ,

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I am glad to hear Diamond Ring that you are having some peace through this crisis.

I am sure that you and your dh being able to talk lightened his heart also. That is so crucial to where he is coming from. If he feels like you are supporting him and not abandoning him he will be so much more willing and able to receive the help he needs. It's sort of a case of "love the sinner; hate the sin". Maybe his issue is not so much with the looking at pictures of young girls after all; maybe that is just a symptom of something deeper. I know God can help with that. Keep praying for your husband and I will keep praying for you! Praying for you both to have a good weekend too!

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We talked over the weekend, I was relieved to hear him to say how he had not known what would be on there, and how it had hurt his heart, I am sad when I think of it still it hurts so bad, but I am trying to focus my thoughts on helping these girls instead of feeling sorry for myself, so I am looking into ministries for sex trade victims in the USA and one of these has a search engine called good search, when you use it they recieve money donations, it is called Veronica's Voice and is located in Kansas. I heard of it through CBN's 700 Club program and website. Thank you for all your prayers and I am asking if you could stretch your Faith to prayer for these girls and for the men who watching these things to have thier eyes opened to the evilness of it and the pain it causes them, the girls and their families and for them to seek Jesus, to seek God's forgiveness and of course to be set free completely delivered from the bondage of sexual sins and pornagraphy addiction, and to be released from the spirit at work in the world that is causing these things to occur. May we declare Jesus as Lord to all! I know this is sick, it turns my stomach and makes me want to caste stones at these men until they suffer greatly in thier pain, this is how I feel I cannot help but feel this anger, but this is what the word says: Mark 2:17 (New International Version)

 

17On hearing this, Jesus said to them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

So in all, for the sick to made healthy, the sinners to become the righteousness of Christ, it is better for everyone this way, may we destroy the devil's work in Jesus Name, may God bring us Victory in every battle, and may we Praise Him forever.

Thanks!

Edited by DiamondRing

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I agree to sign up for x3watch...it's a pretty good service that basically blocks all questionable sights from your IP address.

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Pornography and other sexual addictions are things that men struggle with all their lives. What you really have to consider is whether or not your husband wants to change, and from what you've said so far, it sounds like he really doesn't want to lose you over this sin. Amen to everyone who has mentioned Xwatch so far- we first got it last summer when my oldest son (age 19) confessed to viewing porn on the computer and requested that we install it to help keep him accountable. It's been an excellent tool for helping the men in my family stay pure.

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