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Fear of Motherhood

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My name is Dani, and I have joined for a kind of funny reason; I am afraid of being a mom.


There, I said it. Granted I said it to strangers on the internet, but there it is. Don't get me wrong, I am not afraid of kids. I love kids. I am the oldest of 7 children, my youngest brother JUST finished potty-training. I have about 17,000 cousins (ok not quite, but a LOT of them), I have worked in child care since I was 11, and grew up with in-home daycare, foster care, and homeschooling. I have been a children's church teacher, camp counselor, baby-sitter, MOPS worker, nursery worker, after-school care provider, nanny - you name it I have done it. Except being a mother.


When my husband and I were first getting to know one another he told me he wanted 12 kids, I told him I wanted 8. I always assumed I would be a mom - after all, "real Christians" had kids, right? and fewer than 4 kids? well that wasn't even a whole family!


Then I got married, and the farther away from home I got, the more I realized how many lies I believed because my mother believed them and taught them to me. How many ways in which I had never grown up because everyone assumed I already HAD grown up. How many times I was ignored because, well, I wasn't the one throwing a tantrum. In fact, I was the one dealing with the tantrum because my mom was busy dealing with a bloody nose or something.


I finally don't live with children, and I realize now, I am not sure I ever want to! WHAT??? DON'T YOU LOVE JESUS?? YOU SELFISH, EVIL, CHILDISH, WORLDLY WOMAN!! Ok, ok, that was my upbringing screaming at myself. I think of the many Godly woman I know who don't have children, and realize that guilt is not a good reasons to reproduce.


But there is one big factor here; my husband. My husband who married me with the belief that I wanted not just kids, but LOTS of kids. But I don't. I finally told him that this week, and he told me that he believes the Genesis mandate to be fruitful is a direct command to have children if you can. He also believes his life will not be complete without children. Sometimes I feel that way too, but sometimes I just want to run and scream "CAN'T I JUST LIVE WITH GROWNUPS FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE???"


But I love my husband, and I want and need to honor him as the head of our family. So I am here, to talk to moms who don't know me, who dont know my mom, who don't know my siblings or my husband. I am here to learn, to listen, to discuss, and to do my best to begin embracing the idea of motherhood. So please allow me here with you, please be patient with me, and please pray for me. Thank you.

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